


Darth Caedus Goes to a Slumber Party

by Ann_Drist



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Legends: Legacy of the Force Series - Aaron Allston & Troy Denning & Karen Traviss, Star Wars Legends: New Jedi Order Era - All Media Types
Genre: A few days in the life of Darth Caedus, Comedy, Droids, Expanded Universe jargon, Food, Galactic Alliance Leader Darth Caedus, Gen, Glitter, Interior Decorating, Makeup, Nail Polish, New Jedi Order, One Shot, Queer-coded villain, Short One Shot, Star Wars Expanded Universe - Freeform, Violence, Workplace
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-10
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-05-05 22:50:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5393204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ann_Drist/pseuds/Ann_Drist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lord Caedus is a Very Important Person. He can't stand it when beings don't grovel--er--show him proper respect. He is a mighty Dark Jedi, and the most powerful political leader in the galaxy, and therefore he simply does not understand why everything doesn't always go exactly the way he wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Darth Caedus Goes to a Slumber Party

Darth Caedus, Dark Lord of the Sith, drummed his fingers against his desk.It was 1745 hours, standard military time, and he had better things to do than be yammered at by one of his common stooges about . . . expense reports, was it?He’d stopped listening some time ago.Why should he, Lord Caedus, sit here and pretend to listen to this lowly lackey?Caedus straightened himself from his slumped position and made eye contact with the underling.  

The lackey stood up straighter.He began stammering and sweating profusely, clutching his datapad as a drowning man clings to jetsam.Caedus smiled a bit to himself.The Dark Lord leaned one elbow against the desk and rested his hand on his chin.He sent the unfortunate lackey a series of suggestions through the Force.That he was not wanted there.That he was boring his lord and master, Darth Caedus.That there was a jelly doughnut waiting for him in the break room.  

Sadly, this underling was so strongly devoted to his duty that he ignored these Force-sent messages.This personal quality fascinated Caedus.The underling was not strong-minded in other aspects, but his devotion to Caedus was so immense that even these strong thought projections did not have the power to sway him.  

The lackey had felt from the beginning that he was not wanted in the Galactic Alliance leader’s inner sanctum, so he ignored that suggestion.His stomach was threatening to burst free from his abdomen to go get that jelly doughnut all on its own, but the lackey ignored that feeling as well.What truly aroused Caedus’s interest was how the underling dealt with the idea that he was boring his lord and master.  

The lackey acknowledged that Darth Caedus would not find the past ten-day’s expense reports riveting material.But he continued to read them, because even if Caedus did not _want_ to hear them, it was important that he be aware of the knowledge they contained.It would be detrimental to Caedus if he were not up-to-date about spending.His power could shift, slip away, if he did not notice how other underlings were spending the Galactic Alliance’s credits . . .

Presumptuous, thought Caedus.Yet it showed initiative and adherence to duty.He pondered further.If the stooge were showing initiative out of desire to advance his own career, it would be dangerous.Unacceptable.But this little pawn kept to his duties even at the risk of displeasing his lord and master and loosing his job.As well as his life, for that matter.Everyone knew that Caedus could get . . . erratic when moody.After all, the main lobby didn’t blow _itself_ up last Tuesday.  

But a servant like this could be dangerous.Very dangerous indeed.  

Darth Caedus reached a decision.He knew exactly how to deal with this minion.He lifted his head from his palm, blew out a little sigh, and nonchalantly snapped his fingers.  

Dark force-lightning flew from his fingertips to the man standing before his desk.The underling’s eyes flew open, electricity playing across his face.His spine arched backward at a protracted angle, and the datapad fell from his convulsing fingers.It clattered to the floor, emitting sparks.Darth Caedus yawned and swept some flimsiplast files into a drawer, clearing his desk.His unfortunate minion continued to spasm on the ground before his desk, lightning playing continuously over his body with no apparent effort put forth by his tormentor.  

Caedus stepped over the twitching form on his way out the door.After crossing the threshold he paused, glanced back in, and with a nod of his head made the lightning cease.  

“Ah yes, M6-23,” he said to his secretary droid as he passed her desk.“What’s the name of that being who just delivered the finance reports?”  

“Belluni Michmus, sir,” the droid reported in her cool, business-like tone.  

“Ah yes.Have him promoted.With a twenty percent pay-raise.”

“Yes, sir.Will that be all, sir?”

“No.Send an MD droid to look him over.He seems to have suffered some burns from electricity.And so has my carpet; I’ll want it replaced.”  

“It will be done, sir.”  

“Something vermillion, I think. “

“As you wish, sir.”

Caedus frowned.“One more thing.I thought I’d had you reprogrammed to call me ‘My lord’ or ‘Lord Caedus.’”  

“I will run a systems check and relay that request to droid repairs.I apologize that my new programming has failed.Any glitch or flaw is entirely my fault, Mr. Darth Caedus.”  

Caedus winced.“It’s all right just. . .check in to repairs and programming as soon as you can.”  

“Yes sir, Mr. Darth Caedus.”  

He repressed another shudder as he hurried to the lift tube.No, not hurried.A Dark Lord of the Sith never hurried.He strode purposefully and menacingly to the lift tube.His boot heels clanged authoritatively down the metal corridors.Ooh, and when he hit the right stride, his cloak billowed out forebodingly.Yes, Darth Caedus, Dark Lord of the Sith, was well pleased with his dramatic exit. . .until his secretary droid ruined it by calling out, “Have a pleasant evening, Mr. Darth Caedus,” just as the lift tube doors closed.  

Caedus scowled at his image in the highly reflective lift tube doors.Dark Lords of the Sith did not have to suffer the indignity of being called “Mister” by their malfunctioning secretary droids.But no, he mustn’t frown.Look at that deep crease between his eyebrows.It wouldn’t do for him to get wrinkles.  

But then. . .did not Emperor Palpatine himself have a veritable plethora of wrinkles?By the Force he did!Caedus scowled most magnificently at his reflection, and when the lift doors opened to the parking garage, he walked a most menacing walk.His cape flowed like the Force itself, and the echoes of his menacingly authoritative boot heels echoed off the duracrete walls into every corner of the vast garage.With just a smidge of his power, he used the Force to smash a garbage receptacle, simply for the fun of it.  

Caedus smiled fiendishly, which was even more enjoyable than scowling.He stepped into the back seat of his murderously expensive car and seated himself with a graceful _swoosh_ of his cape.He used the Force to flick the ‘on’ button of his droid chauffeur.  

“Good evening, Lord Caedus,” the droid said.

Darth Caedus smiled.Music to his ears.  

“Where do you wish me to take you, my Lord?Home?One of your favorite restaurants?There’s a fine opera about the rise of Darth Sidious showing at the Palisade Theater, my Lord.”  

Caedus smiled, but not fiendishly.Drat.He would really have to work on that.“No, not tonight, IG-89.I’d like you to take me to this address,” he said handing the driver a scrap of flimsi.  

He leaned back and rested his head against his hands, smiling.“I’m going to a party.”  

“Very good, my Lord,” IG-89 said.He started the hovercar and began to ease out of the parking dock.Light flickered across his restraining bolt as they passed the intermittent lights of the garage.

***

When IG-89 pulled up to the dwelling, Darth Caedus began to entertain doubts about this party.The designated abode was festooned with pastel flimsi streamers and garish inflated plastoid spheres. The Dark Lord’s lip curled.But then, perhaps he should not judge the party by its décor.Several other expensive vehicles were hovering on the swank apartment’s landing pad.  

And M6-23 had assured him that the only invitees were members of politically well-connected families. He smiled pleasantly—no, _fiendishly_ —and walked in. 

***

The next day Darth Caedus stalked into work resembling death incarnate. Bruise-colored hollows stood fiercely out from under his eyes. A day’s worth of dark stubble roughened the lower half of his face. His lips were curled in rage, and the muscle on his left cheek was spasming in way it often did before desks burst into flame or droids got electrocuted. His eyes were the worst of all—wide open and red-rimmed, they were shot with vivid red blood vessels that would have made Darth Maul seem pale in comparison. 

His hair was rumpled, unwashed, and . . . festooned with glitter.There was perfume at the hollow of his throat and his wrists, and eye makeup dusting his lids and coating his eyelashes.A small drawing of a star was drawn close to the far corner of his left eye in dark purple eyeliner.His fingernails glinted with the discreet sparkle of glitter nail polish with a clear base.  

Caedus loomed over his secretary droid’s desk, quivering in suppressed rage. “M6-23,” he said in a ragged voice, “Do you know what kind of party it was that you sent me to last night?” 

“A lifeday celebration, Mr. Darth Caedus.” 

That “Mr. Darth Caedus” was the last straw. 

“It was an eight-year-old girl’s slumber-party!” Lord Caedus erupted. “I barely made it out alive!” 

“Yes, Miss Eliim VonPetch’s eighth lifeday celebration. I though you would find it relaxing.” 

M6-23 exploded in a shower of sparks and tongues of force-lightning. Her desk and the potted plant next to it quickly caught fire. The blaze was spreading to the carpet by the time the emergency response/housekeeping droids wheeled up. 

“Faulty power socket,” the mighty Dark Lord declared. “I want new furniture and a new secretary droid in here by midday.” He paused. “And no carpet. Polish up the marble and leave it bare. That is all.” Caedus stalked off in a magnificent strut so powerful that his cloak, though sleep-wrinkled, still streamed out behind him. He sat ramrod straight on his chair and started making comm calls. After he’d fired twenty beings and found out that he could indeed Force-choke a person long-distance, his mood improved. He began reading the expense reports that that determined lackey had been trying to inform him about yesterday. 

_Yesterday . . ._

Caedus’s hand trembled as he experienced a horrifying flashback. Dozens of tiny hands holding him down . . . and then, when they finally let him up, the horror he’d experienced when he’d seen what they’d done . . .

“I said plum, not lilac!” he had yelled when he looked down at his painted toenails.But by then it had been too late . . . 

Caedus sulked.He thought moodily of the ghastly lilac shade lurking under his authoritative boots.His glitter-spangled fingernails winked in the artificial light, mocking him. He clenched his hands into fists. 

By 1500 hours he couldn’t stand it anymore. For the first time since he’d taken complete control of the Galactic Alliance, he left work early. Before he left, he instructed his new secretary droid that anyone caught shirking in his absence should be immediately scheduled for termination. 

“I will send out a notice immediately, Lord Ceedeus,” said M7-01 in a coolly professional tone. 

Darth Caedus froze. “Pardon?” 

“I shall send the notice out immediately, Lord Ceedeus.” 

The Dark Lord’s eyes rolled into the back of his head and all the lights in the industrial complex went out. In the darkness, the screech of metal being shredded echoed off the cavernous walls. 

***

When he came into work the next day, his hair was orderly again, his face was clean-shaven, and there was hint of black eyeliner and mascara accenting his eyes in a menacing fashion. His fingernails and toenails, hidden underneath authoritative boots and black leather gloves, were painted a tasteful deep plum.

He paused in front of the reception desk. A gleaming new droid sat there. Caedus eyed it suspiciously. 

“Who am I?” he asked M7-02. 

“You are Lord Caedus, Dark Lord of the Sith and Supreme Leader of the Galactic Alliance,” the secretary droid responded in a sultry, borderline inappropriate voice. 

The corner of Caedus’s mouth curled up ever so slightly. “Damn right I am.” 

As Caedus whirled off in the direction of his office, his cape flowed behind him like the Force itself. He whistled menacing theme music as his boot heels clanged authoritatively against the metal floors.He kicked a mouse droid across the hallway and strode into his office—newly refurbished with vermillion carpeting.  

At last, all was right in the galaxy. 

 

The End

 

**Author's Note:**

> New Jedi Order vague spoilers below:
> 
> I wrote this six years ago, when I was upset about [the character Darth Caedus was before he was Darth Caedus going to the Dark Side and then ... how his story ended]. I really loved the person he was before he was Darth Caedus. So I wrote a silly fic about the...slightly softer side, I guess, of Darth Caedus as a way to have fun with the character and cope a little. 
> 
> I hope it made you smile :) 
> 
> P.S. Kudos and kind/appreciative comments make me smile, just saying ;D


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